she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
