Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
We named our party play list daddy issues
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
