Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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