You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Randomize
