So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
