I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
