Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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