Ambien. No doubt about it.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
