My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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