he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
