we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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