I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
