I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
