Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
