I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
