When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
