If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
