You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
you would pick up someone in the library
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
