Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
