i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
