Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
We're too hungover to prance.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Randomize
