I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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