K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Success! We fucked roommates!
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
