When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
