If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
