he was CRYING into my vagina
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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