I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
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