marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Boobs are out for the taking
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
