I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
