Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
