Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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