I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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