Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
