My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Randomize
