His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
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