you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
You pole danced in your parka.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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