I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
