Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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