The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
We are two peas in an std pod
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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