Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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