Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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