Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
