i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
