I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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