Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I am mentally ready for anal.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
