last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
