The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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