watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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