You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Houston, we have a squirter
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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