Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
